Seek first to understand, then be understood.
Last
month, we focused on a simple practice for training
your mind to be a Financial Master. How did you do?
Each month I'll pick a different topic for this
bi-monthly newsletter. If you have a request, please
email me at
erol@inherentexcellence.com. Now on to this
month's focus: relationships.
Those of you who have read
Seven Habits of Highly
Effective People will recognize "Seek first to
understand, then be understood" as Habit #5. Those
who know their history will remember that this came
from a prayer by St. Francis, the man for whom San
Francisco, California was named.
There are countless relationship books out there and
endless workshops. Often they provide so much our
intellect gets caught up in remembering all the
details and we practice none of them. Instead, I
like to focus on simple mastery, key little
practices that make a tremendous difference.
"Understand First" is one of those wax-on-wax-off
mastery practices that will forever change ALL of
your relationships.
If you are in business, you are in relationships.
Great sales people know Understand First is a
cornerstone of sales, which is building a
relationship. We sit quietly and ask deep questions.
They do the talking! Our goal is to understand. We
really understand everything we can about the client
before we open our mouth. Sometimes, we'll even go
away to really understand what they said before
returning. When we come back, we clarify what we
think we understand. The client feels heard and we
really know how to meet their needs. On the other
hand, have you ever sat across from the sales person
that wanted you to understand them first? Maybe they
came to your door and bothered you during dinner
completely focused on their agenda.
We can tell when another person really wants to
understand us. We feel seen and heard. This is one
of the most important experiences for humans. And
now, think of the above situation. Really hearing a
client and being heard as a client. Now apply that
to your intimate relationships. It feel great to be
seen and heard, doesn't it. The big challenge is,
are you really seeking first to understand your
loved ones? Are you hearing more that you try to be
heard? When was the last time you sat with a loved
one and really took the time to understand them,
their point of view, their dreams?
This one simple practice can bring our relationships
to a completely unimagined joyful place. Really sit
there, and just ask questions, very few questions.
For some, this can be very painful. They have to
make a comment, judgment, try to be understood, or
help out. Can we check our understanding? Really
listen to the little details and picture what they
are seeing in their mind. If you don't know what
they are seeing, then ask. Avoid mind reading. If
sitting quietly becomes painful and your mind
wanders, just remember what it's is like when
someone you're talk to is wandering off.
Keep it simple. Just practice one way of improving
your relationships. Seek first to understand, then
be understood.
